Rock Bands And Branded Alcohol: We Rank Their Drinks, From Best To Worst

So of course, the combination of these two blessed joys was inevitable, a question of ‘when’ rather than ‘if’. There exists an entire world out there of band-branded beer – everyone from Car Seat Headrest to KISS has had booze blessed with their names.

In the interests of both journalistic integrity and my ongoing dedication to destroying my liver, I sampled a variety of these alcoholic delights. Spoiler alert: only a couple tasted like garbage water. Read on!

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5. AC/DC’s Back In Black Shiraz

I purchased my bevy of band brews from my local liquor store, and was helped around the joint by a lovely fellow named Dan. Or at least, he seemed lovely at the time – I am now fairly sure that he hated me and was trying to make me horrendously unwell, given he actually used the word ‘good’ while describing this AC/DC-branded wine.

“It’s actually really nice!” he said. He was lying. The AC/DC Back In Black Shiraz tastes like a terrifying combination of illicit prison liquor and the bullshit they serve you in plastic cups when you’re on a plane. It was cheap and offensive and ill-advised – a lot like the decision to supplant Brian Johnson with Axl Rose. Amirite?

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4. Iron Maiden’s Trooper Beer

80 per cent of the time I’m busy listening to weird, angry art-punk bands like Royal Trux, Captain Beefheart and Death Grips. The other 20 per cent, I’m listening to Iron Maiden. I am such an unashamed Maiden-head that I actually expected good things from the Trooper, despite Dan’s concerned face when I told him how much I was looking forward to it.

“Interesting one, that,” Dan said with all the anxiety of a man who was about to sell someone something with the potential to cause them grievous bodily harm.

I’m not sure what to tell you about the Trooper other than it almost made me throw up all over the Iron Maiden hoodie that I wore especially for the occasion. It tasted like Bruce Dickinson’s piss and convinced me that there is nothing good or decent in this world.

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3. Crystal Head Vodka: Rolling Stones Edition

I can’t actually tell you what this one tastes like, because it’s two hundred and something dollars a bottle and I am a freelance writer who still occasionally has to call his dad up for help when it comes to paying the water bill. But hey, the bottle looked really fancy, and Dan Aykroyd is responsible for it, so those are all good things, right?

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3. DZ Deathrays’ Pils ‘N’ Thrills Pilsner

I don’t have a lot of kind things to say about DZ Deathrays’ music, but I’ll tell you this: they sure know who to loan out their brand to. Their Pils ‘N’ Thrills branded pilsner reminded me a little bit of Pabst Blue Ribbon (AKA the greatest brew in the world) and so won an instant tick. Plus, it was only ten bucks for a tall bottle, so it didn’t feel like a rip-off. In fact, I enjoyed it so much, it almost felt like the universe’s way of apologising for Black Rat.

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2. Yeastie Boys

I think this was Dan stretching things a little. I told him that I doubted Yeastie Boys beer had anything to do with the actual Beastie Boys, but he was insistent. I don’t blame the bloke: sales targets are bastards. And, actually, Yeastie Boys was one of the more pleasant brews I tried. I had the dark one, so it was fairly bitter and, uh, yeasty, but it had that nice crisp finish too.

(Disclaimer: not entirely sure what ‘crisp finish’ means, but it sounds like the beer tastes, so I think it flies.)

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1. You Am I’sBrew Am I

One of my housemates still has a limited edition bottle of Brew Am I, Young Henry’s You Am I-branded beer. She was pretty reticent about cracking it open, but I managed to swing her round by talking about journalistic integrity and also how it was cold and late and I wanted another drink but couldn’t be bothered walking up to the liquor store. I think she was a little concerned, given at this stage I was looking and smelling like Johnny Depp in the latter half ofThe Libertine,but she acquiesced.

Exclusive footage of me and my housemate towards the end of the night.

And actually, you know what? I’m glad she did change her mind, because Brew Am I was without a doubt the nicest drink of the bunch. It didn’t make me feel like I was going to barf up my own intestinal lining, and my sense of self-worth was pretty much intact by the time it was all done.

So, if you’re the kind of person who values your own body, I’d recommend this one. But if you’re the kind of person who feels very strongly about ruining your own flesh and paying above cost price for the opportunity, then the bottle of swill and self-loathing us mortals only refer to as the Trooper is probably better suited for you. Sicko.

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Drunk photo courtesy I Woke Up Today/Flickr

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